a · day · in · my · life

between term papers and my friends one situation and everything with jace i just don't know nemore. i'm so confused i don't know how to feel about nething or if i should even feel. the term paper seems the easiest thing to do. imagine that school paper being the easiest of my problems. its on teen pregnancy. casues and effects on a teens life and on thier body. its gonna be pretty interesting if i don't slack off. lately everything jace does pisses me off i don't know why it just ahhh he makes me so mad and i know he isn't trying to but he does. i think its b/c i'm so frustrated with him. with guys period. they just seem to piss me off more and more. and nick is being an asshole. idk what his problem is but he needs to pull the stick out of his ass. he said no i couldn't stay the night. fine i got over that then he knew we were planning on takin the kids for ice cream so while ange and i went to my house to get the car seats nick fed the ice cream from the freezer. when we got back he wouldn't let us take the kids newhere. he was bein a total jerk to me so i got pissed and i left and drove around for a couple mins and then i was like fuck this and went back and went straight into thier house and straight to anges room where i heard her yell at nick to get the fuck out she didn't want to talk to him. it was acctaully not that bad her half brothers were there so i was playing with them ange and i are liked jungle gyms for the kids. the are so cute. neway i think i'm gonna go to bed i have another long day of work ahead of me night

lalala idk what to really write in here wes is with gabby so yea thats a never. idk what i'm supposed to feel am i supposed to be jealous. idk i don't feel much nemore lonelyness mostly. i could be in a room of all my friends and some how i still feel left out and lonely i think its my fault. i've been so depressed lately that i just exclude myself from everything and then i feel all left out and alone b/c nobody is payin attention to me. i'm the one doin it and yet i can't seem to stop. i just want to sleep forever. "i have not the will to live" don't know who said that but ik somebody did. i think lol idk.
i keep sayin i just want somebody to love me and i do but idk it just seems hopeless. brad wants to get back with me and thats a big big big NO never ain't happening.i think thats all i'm gonna write for now i'm kinda tired and by tired i mean mentally physically and emotionally tired drained and whatever else u want to call it goodnight

i don't really know nemore things seem kinda fucked up. nothing is right as i told my one friend life is like a pile of shit and all my friends seem to be steppin in it. idk so much shit is goin on right now and i don't know what to do or what i am suposed to feel nemore. idk jace is back and things seem to be calming don't with that. but everything else in life is fucked up i mean the whole college thing and havin to live at home and stuff it bugs me so bad. and i don't know what to do about it. and then theres the whole wes thing and my subconciouse won't let me let it go i want to be with him but i know i can't and idk some part of me is keeping this hope alive and i know it will never be. i want to let it go why do i feel i must attach myself to someone. i know i'm stringer than that i'm so pissed off at myself right now i have to be the weakest person alive. i'm an idiot its like i'm desperatly searching for someone to love me i'm like a lost dog searchin for a place to belong and even tho i go after something thats bad for me i stay with it cuz its better to go after something bad than nothing at all how pathetic is that i'm such a dumbass i'm pathetic and weak and need to be shot and put out of other ppls misery i have no point in being alive.
i guess i'll change the subject i've insulted myself enough for now. i'll change to what seth and i were talking about. i said how i didnt understand why he always included wes and mike when he talked about my milton friends b/c they don't consider me one. i told him i only talked to them at band practice. so i was friends with them when they are the band but outside of that i'm not. and he said that when i'm not at practice they ask where i am and stuff and if i look depressed or upset when i leave they ask about me and if theres something wrong. i go well why don't they ask me and he said they don't want to trigger me into having an emotional break down well isn't that just fuckin wonderful they skip around the whole damn thing what fuckin wusses they can't even handle a girl crying. god i hate that guys see a girl crying or bitching and they atomatically run in the opposite direction what fuck tards don't they understand that girl just wants someone to make her feel better hug her and listen to her. is it so much damn work to listen to a god damn girl cry and tell her story. maybe that should a capital punishment. instead of death row make them sit there and listen to girls cry out thier story guys that is they can kill the girls on death row for all i care but guys b4 they die they should be forced to listen to girls sob out thier damn story. fuckin guys oh i'm manly i have a big cock and i can lift alot but when it comes to something simple such as simply being there when i girl is cryin no fuckin way thats horrible guys are pussies. i'm done for the night i'm gettin pissed off. wouldn't want a guy to read this and think i was tryin to force them to comit suicide or some shit. night

i've screwed everything up so bad. i really messed up. i'm graduating this year and i procrastinanted so now my college application hasn't been turned in. i wanted to move out and take a year off and work but if i do that i don't have ne car insurance or health insurance. so i have basically one opption i have to live at home b/c i'm takin a year off college. i've screwed up so bad that i'm stuck in this place. b/c without my health insurance i'm fucked and i loose it if i move out and don't go to collage. same with the car insurance but that i can get. nobody will cover my health insurance not with my health problems so i'm fucked. i'm in an icky mood right now. i feel like a caged animal wanting to break free but every direction i go i'm blocked by bars and the key is so close but nomatter what i can't reach it. thats enough for tonight i'm goin to bed

high school is so much damn drama. its getting so old. i'm so glad this is my last year. i'm grounded still. jace is back from japan. my friends are miserable. and i am helpless. i brought my grades up but i'm still not ungrounded not till report cards so i'm stuck for two more god damn weeks. i fuckin hate my parents. they give me no incentive to pull my damn grades up. i just get the dumb ass speach ur gonna work at wendy's ur whole life. fuck them they don't know shit about me. i have no clue what's goin on after high school. i don't want to go to college right away. i think that if i do i'll fuck it up really bad. i'm so stressed at this point in my life that would surely be my breaking point. i've been tryin to express my feelings more to my friends but i just get so frustrated trying. i've never been able to tell my feelings very well. i told them to wesley but i did that on complete accident. i honestly didn't mean to. it didn't turn out bad though so i think thats why i'm tryin to tell my friends more how i feel. i mean i've known cassie and ange longer so if wesley knew exactly what i meant i'm sure ange and cassie would to. oh yea i guess i should say a bit more about jace being back. he's been back since dec 29 of 05 i found out jan 3 of 06. he wanted it to be a suprise. i hate suprises. infact i mistook the whole thing and broke down crying. b/c he didn't tell me. but then he said he wanted it to be a suprise and i was okay. i'm not okay nemore i don't see why he couldn't have told me thats fuckin suprise enough. he fuckin talked to me online while he was in fuckin town. i'm sick of people lying b/c they know thats what people want to hear. i don't want to hear it i want to hear the damn truth. i have one question, why didn't he want me to know?thats all i'm gonna right for today

well progress reports came in i'm grounded till my grades come up theres something new *rolls eyes* neway i love how they ground me its great i'm still on the computer and i still have my phone oh yea best part i get to go to bradford the 26th through the 28th. angela and i are goin up and stayin with cassie and then bringin cassie home. i can't wait. its gonna be so much fun. neway last night i called wesley and i asked him out he said no which i new was comin so it didn't really bother me i put him in a wierd position but he'll get over it. i'm just glad i did it it took alot of courage to do. so much has happened and none of it is making any sense. like the thing between me and wesley. it doesn't really make any sense but its happening. idk i'm just really glad he's my friend he understands me really well. its nice to have that. god i can't wait to go to bradford get away from my house. its gonna be so nice and peaceful. well i better go before i get caught on the internet.

well i went to wesley and seth and mikes band practice it was nice and funny. i took pics for them. cassie is making them a band web page. i don't really know what to put in here right now i'm just kinda confused. i'm just in one of those moods where nothing is right. i think thats all i'm gonna write tonight

school sucked so much drama ppl just need to drop shit. tonight was really nice though i learned alot about wes tonight nothing i'll put on here but things aren't weird between us or nething so thats good. i think tonight was a start of a good friendship. he's a really nice guy. i'm glad that things are turning out this well. its nice to have that calmness i haven't had it since jace left. neway i'm gonna head to bed

well hmm i'm not gonna give u back ground info to much not enough time. Wes doesn't like me and i'm cool with that i guess i just found out tonight so i haven't really thought about it. he wants to talk to me tomorrow so we'll see how that goes i'm kinda nervous b/c i don't know nething about it and knowing he doesn't like me but wants to talk to me kinda makes me wonder. neway i was given the advice to go alone. so i'm pretty nervous. i'll live. i'm lookin for a new job right now my work is stressin me out so bad it makes me sick. i still haven't heard from jace it kinda bothers me but i'll live. i guess i'm gonna have to seriously go to his mothers house and ask for his e-mail address or mailing address neway its late i need to go to bed ttyl